Don’t sleep.. don’t sleep..
Keep your eyes open, no matter what, keep them open.. don’t sleep..
If you sleep, you will be consumed, your dreams will swallow you. It’s been too long, much too long for this. Time has slowed down and days have crept by slower. Adding on the lack of sleep; the fear of sleep, the night only lives longer and stronger.
Sleep.. sleep and you will hear her voice, sleep and you will try to piece everything together.
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done?
If.. only.. if only I..
The possibilities spin perpetually, they seize to stop, it spins, it whirls. You feel sick, but it shows no mercy, it will spin and spin until the very end. Until you cannot take it anymore and close your heavy eyelids to only run away in your dreams.
You’re in your room – a safe place, your private space, yet, just because the lights are out, and you’re lying in bed, why are you so afraid?
It’s only sleep, you’ve done it for the last 18 years of your life, what’s so different this time?
This time.. although the dreams aren’t real, the fear and pain is.
“Fuck it.” you sigh, and your eyes without resistance from your strong will.
Your world grows dark, slowly consumed.
A small whisper..
…I love you… thank you for always taking care of me..
Hold me and don’t let go.. I want to be with you.. I need you..
Although you know it’s not real, you cannot open your eyes, for they are sealed shut, the struggle to open them and to wake up from this swallowing dream causes tears to trickle slowly down your idle cheeks..
The pillow feels wet, it feels uncomfortable, but you will not have to worry about that until the morning.
For now you need to wake up, wake up..
Don’t sleep.. please.. please don’t sleep..
Please don’t destroy me further.. whatever I did, whatever I said.. I’m sorry.. just don’t let me sleep..
You continue to be consumed, you fight, you struggle, but physically you’re unable to move, only able to lie there and take it. The fear, the fear has rendered you useless and weak.. Your body can no longer take it, no more..
Your mind trails off..
Should I be happy that my friend told me about what she was doing behind my back..?
If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t have had that arguement.
But how long could I live out in ignorance.. I wanted to believe I loved her that much..
Love is a battle..
.. but do you still win if you cheated..?
Doing anything to win, any dirty tactic to win..
.. does that still make you a winner..?
For months you hate your fucked up life, what she’s done to you, yet you feel so pathetic because you cannot bring yourself to hate her. You can only look at her when she walks pass, smile and nod your head. Because you’re pathetic and weak, you let her trample over you because you’re afraid of what she can do. You thought you figured her out didn’t you? Just because you were with her for over 4 years didn’t mean you figured her out you jackass.
For months you ran away, you wanted to hide from reality, you wanted to bargain your way to happiness. You naively believed as long as you could be by her side and care for her you will be OK.
You thought that she would realised all this suddenly.. why, why would you think such a stupid thought? You solemnly believed that you lost, not only did you suffer from the shards of your broken heart piercing in millions of places in your weak discarded body, but you her..
Has she lost anything? Did she give you a second thought? Did she even have a guilty conscience..?
You wonder, you ponder.. nothing makes sense anymore, and you don’t even give a shit. You wake up, you survive and you go back to sleep to survive again.
Nothing mattered.. You didn’t matter.. she didn’t even give a shit anymore.
So why bother then?
Was she worth that much? Is she?
Yes, yes she was, but now you realise, after months and months of hating yourself and hating your pathetic life, that no, not anymore. And quite frankly, you cannot take this shit anymore.
You break out, you try to, you break free and you spread your wings, you tell yourself in your slowly mending heart..
..I’m back and I’m ready to try fly one more time..
Once more.. with the newly lessons in mind.
You tremble, you shake.. you’re nervous, you’re scared – just like standing on those diving blocks because the pistol is shot. But you know that if you don’t dive into the pool, the other swimmers will leave you behind..
.. time will not stop for you.. you can only chase it..
So, you finally realise that, perhaps you did not lose, you are worth more than that..
.. a smile, a rare smile..
.. not quite happy yet, but you know that you will get there..
You run, you keep running right till the edge.. and you jump..
.. your dreams will swallow you, but this time you will fly away..
.. higher.. and higher..